Androgyny Playlist: Saturday AM

Just went for a little run, and the first song that came up in shuffle mode was Beyonce's "Irreplacable," that anthem of feminine independence and power. She'll call her cheating guy a cab and wave him goodbye, but he'd better not take the Jag she bought him--and he'd better remember that everything he owns can fit in a "box to the left," that he'd better not for a second get to thinking that he's anything but irreplaceable.

Which made me think of this song, "Independent Women" by Destiny's Child. The rocks I'm wearin'? I bought them. House I live in? I bought it. I remember listening to this on my way to teach at Lakeside, and thinking, okay, cool, so I can work hard and pay my share of the bills. Thanks Beyonce for making that feel heroic rather than, can I say it, shameful? Sinful?

Next came, I kid you not, "Grace Kelly," by Mika, the beautiful British man who chooses to emulate Grace Kelly and Freddie Mercury, two icons of style and beauty. Mika doesn't care who's a guy and who's a girl--they're both fierce.

Finally, no joking, "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie touts the power of her lovely lady lumps, boobs and butt.

So what about gender is significant? The ability to earn and spend money? A particular type of talent? The erotic appeal of curvy flesh?

On my mission there was a point when I prayed to have my femininity diluted. I was trying very hard to be a good missionary, and to me that meant being intensely connected to all I encountered. I made eye contact. I expressed love. I smiled with at everyone in my range of sight. And it led to some disastrous moments. My desire to teach the gospel of Jesus Christ was interpreted by several men, one a married (unhappily, evidently) ward mission leader, one a manipulative, predatory married investigator, and several missionaries, as the desire for a hook up. I was reprimanded by a Bishop for being too flirtatious.

So am I more or less female because I have a job and largely support my family? I need to be careful, evidently, to not make the man in my life feel replaceable. I emulate Grace Kelly AND Freddie Mercury--and Mika. Strive for elegance in all its forms. Even my lumps.


Emily and I have often talked about the fact that I grew up surrounded by three brothers, and learned how to compete with them, or at least defend myself from their physical and verbal attacks. I think this has given me a measure of comfort in the world of men. More significantly I grew up during the seventies listening to Free to Be You and Me, and I really believed that gender was a superficial construct. My best friend's mother was an artist who created famous politicized feminist prints in her basement studio. It seemed more simple in the seventies. Today's teenage girls face a much more treacherous landscape of identity.

But I still don't know how to man up my style. Being a boss means being strong, firm, not crying, not leading with my heart. But my heart is one of the best parts of me. I alternately wish to eradicate my gender in my work life, and draw on what I know as a woman about nurture.